I stopped forcing my horse, and everything changed I'll say this plainly: for a while, I was taught to be forceful with horses. Do what I ask or else. That was the method, and I never liked it. Several of the horses I had then were over my riding ability, and the trainer's answer was always more pressure.
Before Hank, there was my mare Chance. We had only been together about three or four months when she died at our very first horse expo event. Instead of competing together, I had to say goodbye to my friend.
Then Hank came into my life, and I wanted a kinder way to work with him. A horse is my friend and my partner. I am not a dictator, and forcing him never felt right.
The second trainer I worked with was worse than the first. She man-handled Hank, and he nearly hurt himself trying to get away from her. That was when I knew I needed a different method and a different teacher.
So I went looking. I found Mustang Maddy, then I started searching for someone local. A recommendation led me to a lesson with Nancy Kittleson, and that lesson introduced me to Horse Speak and liberty work. I can't thank her enough. My trust with my horse grew fast and strong.
This post is what I've learned about building a better relationship and better communication with your horse. It's not a perfect system. It's what worked for Hank and me.
Give your horse a voice
The biggest shift in my relationship with Hank came when I started giving him a voice. That means he's allowed to tell me yes, no, or "I'm not sure." And I listen.
When Hank and I first started with Nancy, he was not a fan. He felt like he was being demanded to do things, and he was a poor sport about it. Then, little by little, he figured out I wasn't going to force him. He had a voice. The change was nearly night and day. His pinned ears and what I read as grumpy behavior turned into curiosity and happiness. He wanted to take part.
We were both opening up and being vulnerable with each other.
I can't fully explain how amazing it is when a horse has a voice. They want to know more about you, and they're more willing to do what you ask. It works the same way it does with people. Trust comes first, and trust only grows when your voice counts for something.
Start with your horse's bubble
One of the first things we talk about in Horse Speak is the horse's personal space, or bubble. A horse's bubble is much bigger than ours, and we humans tend to ignore it completely.
So start by finding it. Walk toward your horse and watch what he does:
Did an ear flick your way?
Did he look at you?
Are his eyes soft and relaxed, or tight and stressed?
What is his tail doing?
Every one of those signs is your horse talking to you. Once you start paying attention, you'll realize he's been talking the whole time. We just weren't listening.
Greet your horse before you walk into his home
After the bubble, we work on a formal greeting. I say formal because as your relationship grows, your horse (especially a gelding) may skip the greeting altogether. But if you know a formal greeting, you can greet any horse. Mares, for whatever reason, are very particular about it.
A greeting doesn't have to happen up close. You can do it from far away. Different Horse Speak teachers also teach it differently. Here's how I was taught:
Hold your hand out toward your horse, palm down, in a loose, slightly closed fist. Picture picking up a hanky or something delicate off a table.
Breathe out three times while moving your fist downward.
If your horse is far away, start with your hand out in front of you. As time goes on, you can mostly just use your breath.
These days I add a nod as I breathe: breathe out, down, up, nod. Three times. This one is easier to show than to explain, and a video does it better than words.
Greetings matter just as much in the horse world as in ours. You wouldn't walk into someone's house without saying, "Hi, I'm Angela. Nice to meet you. May I come in?" A stall, pasture or field is your horse's house. They really appreciate being talked to before we barge in. I've seen "grumpy" horses in stalls soften just because someone asked.
When you stop and think about it, it's crazy how much of a horse's voice we've taken away, and how much we've taken away from them being a horse.
Ask "why" instead of punishing
Here's what I see in the horse world all the time. We barge into our horse's space, demand that he work, and when he doesn't, we punish him. We would never treat another person that way, and we mostly respect other animals more than that. Part of it is human nature. We are predators, and horses are prey.
That's also why too much pressure backfires. Horses don't like being stared at, and they don't like us putting all of our energy on them. And there's always a reason behind what a horse does, even when we label the behavior "bad."
Spooking is the best example. Say Hank has walked into the arena a hundred times, and today he spooks at the gate. Why? Maybe someone put a barrel on the other side that he's never seen there. He's seen plenty of barrels, but to a prey animal, that one could be a predator waiting to attack. Or maybe he keeps spooking in one corner, and when you finally look closely, there's a ground wasp nest.
The answers go on and on. The takeaway is to ask why. Was something different? Should I be concerned about it? Acknowledge your horse, then go from there. That gives him a voice, and it builds your relationship so much stronger.
Respect the "no," but don't get walked all over
Like people, horses deserve to have their "no" respected. That doesn't mean you give up on the task, especially when safety is involved. It means you go about it in a kinder way, the way you would with a child.
Here's what that looked like in my first lessons with Nancy. Hank said no several times, by not doing the task or by walking away. Instead of giving up or forcing it, I asked again: "Do you think you can come with me and do this activity?" More often than not, the answer was yes. Sometimes it was a grumpy yes, and that's still honest communication.
It works outside of lessons too. When I need Hank to load in the trailer to get to a lesson or a vet visit, he sometimes says no. He doesn't want to leave. I ask again, and sometimes a yummy snack helps him decide to come along.
Now for my opinion, and I know many people in the traditional horse world will disagree. Right now a lot of it is about dominance. The message is that if you're not dominant, if you don't prove you're the leader and force your horse to do what you want, you're a bad trainer or a bad person. I don't believe that. Many of the greats teach giving a horse a voice, and most people take it the wrong way.
Giving a horse a voice does not mean he gets to walk all over you. Safety is a big deal. You can protect it and still be kind.
What a voice looks like in other horses
Hank isn't the only horse this has worked for. Anyone who has learned Horse Speak will tell you how much it changed their partnership. Here are two horses who show it.
Endo, the blind horse. Endo's owner worked with him until she could ride him and do some amazing things together. If she hadn't given him a voice, he would not have trusted her. For a horse who can't see, that trust is everything.
Russ, the shy horse. Russ lives at Nancy's farm. He was a very fearful horse, and I don't think he had a good life before he came there. He's made a 180-degree change since Nancy started working with him. I've worked with Russ myself. You have to earn his trust or he stays hesitant and doesn't want to interact. He also doesn't like big crowds.
At a Horse Speak clinic, several people were in the arena working on greetings and more. Russ was outgoing and showed us humans how to greet. When we led him, he followed only if our ask was clear. If it wasn't, he stayed put. As soon as we were clear, he went with us without a problem.
The same thing happened with tack and grooming. Many of the horses at Nancy's used to dislike being groomed, let alone tacked up for riding. It took a lot of time, but now they're mostly excited to see what's coming. They put their heads right into their halters and stand quietly to be groomed and tacked. If one of them says no now, it's usually worth asking why. Something is going on, because they normally enjoy it so much.
Try this week
If you do just one thing this week, take the time to observe your horse. Then talk to him like you would a person. I do it with Hank all the time. Watch what his body does when you speak. Did he flick an ear toward you? Did he turn his head away?
If you want to go deeper, look into Horse Speak by Sharon Wilsie. I guarantee it will open your eyes and change your life.
Being kind to your horse costs nothing. You'll be surprised by how much more you get from your partnership.